Tuesday, October 20, 2009

WHY?? (mature content)

Ya know...over the past few years I have had to endure quite a bit of medical ... medical....well medical hell I guess. After suffering for all those years with headaches...then they do the brain surgeries. I thought I was done.
SO I begin to write a book about what a wonderful childhood I had. Ya...that is in italics for a reason. Sarcasm and disdain! Growing up a Callahan is no treat....let me tell ya. I had an abusive Mother. Who was never around...and when she was...she was emotionally vacant...or so angry I was her punching bag. A step-father who has....well we will just call them "boundary issues" When he was called to the counselors office when I was in the 7th grade he just said he "Was just showing me he loved me like one of his own daughters" Well....they sure were lucky that they lived elsewhere.
So when does the misery end? My ummm well let's just call her Linda...she isn't a mother by any means of the word. She loved to take her daily aggressions out on me. Not my younger sister...Nooooo Kim was the "perfect daughter" or should I say....."the beautiful daughter" That is after all....how she introduced us.
"This is my daughter Chris...and this is our beautifullll daughter Kim" talk about feeling like crap. Then whoever she was introducing us to that time would look at me like I had fleas. Or perhaps it was a dog's face they expected. I'll never know.
Then the greatest part of it was....Kim could do no wrong. If she forgot to clean Linda and Gordon's bathroom....for some reason it became my fault. If the 2 cans of chili were missing....it was my fault. No, never Kims. Sitting there stoned out of her mind on the hash that the kid Steve up the street gave to her wrapped up in foil. Nope....I too had to take the blame for that.
So after years of separate Christmas's....birthdays....you name it. Linda would have us come to her house in stages. That way...Kim and whoever she was married to at the time would come out and open hundreds....and I am not over exaggerating HUNDREDS if not thousands of dollars of gifts....my girls and I would be "allowed" to come out to her house. The girls would each get one gift....a gift card...meanwhile their cousin Jordan was in the other room having a temper tantrum because he can't decide on which gaming system to play first...his new Nintendo 64 or the Playstation that "Grammy and Papa" just gave him for Christmas. You could see the gifts stacked in the back of Kim's SUV...of which Linda and Gordon also bought for her....and me? Ha...I would get the slippers re-gifted to me that someone gave to Linda the previous Christmas or her birthday in November. It was always such a lovely time.
So after all this....years of abuse of a family....a sick and twisted Mother....that would rather be snorting nasal spray....and telling us she was at work until 11:00 at night. A step-father that couldn't keep his nasty old hands and lips off of me and my best friend....he would wrestle us on the bed...tickling in spots that an old man's hands just didn't belong. We were 14 and 15....what business did he have in my room?
I absolutely HATED Thursday nights. They would go bowling. Them being gone was great. Don't get me wrong. It was when they got home. A few drinks...and Linda would head to the shower....and Gordon would decide to corner me in the hallway or the kitchen. Or next to the shelves on which the stereo and some other crap sat. He was out of line in ways I won't go into detail.
This went on for years. Linda hated me my whole life. Still does. Not until my brain surgery did it finally dawn on me. She knew what was going on....she knew it all along. She was jealous. Jealous that her husband wanted younger women. Like the one I caught him with one morning at the Days Inn. His excuse....she was just a "very nice waitress" eeyyyaaaaa....bet she got a great tip too.
Soooooo why all this now? Why am I spewing old dirty laundry? Because after hurting for the past 20+ years and having doctors tell me I was crazy....after Linda telling me to "get over it and move on" after all of this....I go through 2 brain surgeries for a brain malformation....of which could have been a birth defect...or from the trauma of one of Linda's beatings. The worst part of those times is...the neighbors that I run into these days...still remember hearing them all. They all remember them. I am actually writing a book about all of this. Linda and Gordon actually have the nerve to tell me and anyone that will listen that they will sue me. HA....can't sue me for the truth. They have been telling ANYONE that will listen..."well....our friends knowww the truth" THAT'S RIGHT! They do....who do they think is helping me write the book??? I mean seriously....they are the laughing stock of this town.
Now that I have been told I have Multiple Sclerosis....I am going to be letting everyone know what they are. They will tell you they are pillars of the community....blah blah .... they are evil. Linda is a witch...and Gordon is a pedophile. I only pray that he never did to my sister Kim what he did to me.
I don't know how much time I have left. But....let them sue me.....by the time it get's to court....and the appeals process....I don't know how much of me will be left.....
My step sisters and my step brother.....I think that sometimes they wish they had been able to grow up with Gordon. I tell them that they are lucky. If they only knew. But....how do I tell them their own Father is a letch. He would tell me...."It's the Fathers job to teach his daughter how to make love" NO IT ISN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He would tell me about his penis size.....and then I would be beaten by Linda when she got home....for something I had nothing to do with. So GOD...why? WHY?
I have tried so hard to be a good person for my whole life. Ya...I have screwed up...I have screwed up A LOT! But I have asked for forgiveness......why do I have to suffer the surgeries....the pain.....and now a life with M.S.
Social Security has denied me. Say that I am able to work. I can't sit for longer than a 20 minute period.....if I stand too long I pass out. I run into walls.....I can't feel my fingers half the time. We have sold everything we can. We are barely hanging on to our home. My poor husband works his ASS OFF....to take care of me and our family. But Kim....my sister. Linda bought her a $300,000 home. Pays her bills. Takes Jordan School shopping and gives him money hand over fist. If Kim needs anything....Linda gets it for her. And us???? We actually make every house payment......we pay each and every medical bill that the insurance doesn't cover....we are good people. We are in the 3rd row at church each Sunday. So God....what am I doing wrong???? Why am I being punished...and my family being punished because of me????? Why.....I pray and I talk to you all the time. I read the bible....I try to be the best person I can. I have lived a life of Hell on earth....and I don't understand why Social Security won't help me....we don't qualify for any help on our mortgage....the reason WE HAVE MADE EVERY PAYMENT that is the reason they give us. We aren't like hundreds....noooo THOUSANDS of others who just let the medical bills go to the wayside...and figure why bother paying them.....OURS are paid. And not in payments either.....IN FULL. When I worked....I loved working.....I brought home damn good money working in the medical field. Then one day .... I get the boom lowered by the doctors.
"You can never work again" but does Social Security care? NO....when does it end? When does the hurting stop....? What did I do God? Why me? Please God...show me the way out of this living hell. I have been in it since child hood. This isn't fair to my family. When I worked...we had money in savings....we had money in the bank. If the girls needed something....ANYTHING....we could do it. We helped out friends with money. We gave and gave and helped. Now...we have nothing left to sell. Just this weekend....my husband sold his 72 Torino. That his Father and Mother bought in the latter part of 1971. He sold his memories for me. He sold his family trips. His prom night. He sold a lifetime of his family memories....for what.....to pay my medical bills. How fair is this to him? He sold his truck....we have sold everything we can GOD.....PLEASE. Show me or tell me....something.....please. I know that you have a divine life planned for us. I know that the plan you have for my life is full of grace and glory. But when? WHEN?
I survived the beatings of Linda Callahan....I survived Gordon Callahans advances....I survived the brain surgeries....I have survived abusive partners.....I will survive M.S. Because I am strong. I am strong in the Lord....I just want to know why....why me? I will remain strong in the Lord.....I will continue to pray. I will be at church next Sunday....singing and praising with the person next to me....my husband Steven. The one thing.....besides our daughters, in this lifetime of mine....that hasn't tried to hurt me...but has made me who and what I am. A strong woman. A giving person. A loving person. A person who cares about the elderly....the hurting....the hungry....and the helpless. Because I guess at the end of the day.....when all is said and done. I might think that my life is hard....but someone else....always has it harder. Maybe my purpose here....is to just be there for them...to pray....so for now. I will go and pray for those that have it worse than I do.

Sorry for my rant.....

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